Death Threat Diner
by Brainiac5
Summary: Come and join all your favorite villains in Death Threat Diner- Delicious Delicacies for the Demented and Dastardly! Join Slade, Darth Vader, Thrax, Cobra Commander, Orochimaru, Humperdink, Lord Voldemort, Artemis Fowl and...Grandma Ethel!
1. Hello, Cookies

**Death Threat Diner-- Delicious Delicasies for the Demented and Devious**

**_Day One: Hello, Cookies_**

Cobra Commander cackles from his place in the corner booth.

With a sigh, Slade swings around from his place at the bar and fixes his single eye upon the masked maniac. "Stop that," he says disinterestedly. Beside him at the bar, the Amazing Mumbo cackles also, but the cackle freezes in his throat when Slade turns his steely gaze on the villainous magician.

The Bartender sidles up to Slade and cocks an eyebrow, "The usual?" he asks.

Slade nods, then turns and watches as an elderly woman enters the diner.

"Hello dearie," she says to Slade, "How about a cookie?"

Slade's eye narrows. "I don't think so, Grandma," he says.

"I'm not your grandma, sonny, but you can call me Grandma Ethel anyway," she says. Then, turning to Mumbo, she asks, "How about you, honey pie?"

The Amazing Mumbo grins, takes the cookie and chomps down on it. An explosion rings through the room, and Mumbo's head disappears in a cloud of smoke. A second later, Mumbo's head drops down from his hat and he cackles. "Wow! Nothing like an exploding cookie to clear the sinuses!"

Grandma Ethel chuckles sinisterly. "You were lucky that time, boy."

The Amazing Mumbo bows in reply.

"HI EVERYBODY!" shouts Loud Lad, barging in. The bartender grimaces, and pulls out some earplugs. Cobra Commander cackles in the corner.

"How'd you do?" asks Orochimaru, glancing up from the chess game he was playing with Lord Voldemort. "Did you finish off the pesky heroes you were blathering about last week so I can kill you now?"

Loud Lad coughes self-consciously and retires to the corner booth, ignoring Cobra Commander's cackling.

"Checkmate," the snake-like wizard says, setting down his white bishop.

"No, I can move here to counter your bishop," the snake-like ninja replies, making his move. "By the way, checkmate."

Cobra Commander glances over his shoulder at the board, then leans back and cackles.

Back at the counter, the bartender is engaged in dialogue with a new customer who calls himself Mecha One. The golden robot is searching for volunteers to be his intelligent minions, who will, "cause strife so the humans will not realize the great threat my armies pose."

The Bartender is trying not to nod off, seeing as he hears this sort of thing on a regular basis.

"Fudge, dearie?" Grandma Ethel shoves a box under the Bartender's nose.

"Nah," the Bartender replies, "I'm on a strict diet. No deadly desserts, it's a big setback." With a wink, the bartender pats his heavily muscled abdomen. "Tryin' to lay off the pounds," he deadpans.

Cobra Commander glances at the bartender's muscular chest and cackles.

Striding confidently in the door, Prince Humperdink marches up to the bartender and shoves at Slade, trying to dislodge the Arch-nemesis of the Teen Titans. For all the good it did, Prince Humperdink might as well have tried to dislodge a ton of concrete.

Turning and fixing his eye on the cowardly prince of Floren, Slade knocks him over with a solitary whack from the back of his hand.

Humperdink hops up, full of self-righteous indigence, and insists the Bartender remove Slade. The Bartender glares at Humperdink. "He's a regular. You aren't. Sit."

Humperdink sits quickly and obediently, fluffing out his cape after making sure he was set well beyond Slade's reach.

"Now, whadda' ya' want?" the Bartender demands, placing two very large hands attached to very large forearms attached to very large upper arms attached to very large shoulders attached to very large… well, you get the point. He slams his meaty fists down on the bar and leans forward.

The easily intimidated Crown Prince of Floren gibbers for a moment, then orders a large mug of mead.

The Bartender shrugs and heads off to fill the order.

The door swings open again, and Darth Vader enters, followed by Artemis Fowl and Butler.

"What can I get you folks?" the Bartender asks, walking over. Artemis sits while Butler sizes up the Bartender.

"Spring water, no ice." Artemis answers, picking the slightest bit of lint from his Armani suit.

Darth Vader walks over and observes the final stages of the best two out of three chess games, in Orochimaru's favor. Darth Vader uses the force to move one of Voldemort's pieces.

"Checkmate," Vader rumbles, then turns and moves to the bar.

Orochimaru knocks over the pieces, spewing expletives.

Voldemort smirks, leaning back, then glances with annoyance in the direction of the cackling Cobra Commander.

Orochimaru re-sets the board. "Again," he demands.

Voldemort shrugs and moves his pawn forward.

Meanwhile, at the bar, Butler continues to glare at the Bartender.

"Look buddy, you wanna intimidate someone, you came to the wrong place," The Bartender says, shoving a glass and bottle of spring water at Artemis. "Enjoy."

"Cookie?" Grandma Ethel says, shoving the box under Artemis' nose.

"I think not," Artemis replies as Butler eyes the cookies warily.

"How about you, dearie?" Grandma Ethel continues, practically smashing Humperdink's nose in the process of offering the cookies to him.

"Um, no, thanks," Humperdink says.

"Oh, drat," Grandma Ethel gumps.

Cobra Commander cackles from his corner booth.

* * *

A/N: Just in case anyone was wondering, Grandma Ethel, Loud Lad and the Bartender are OCs. The rest were coined via someone else's genius... though how I wish I could take credit for their masterpiece! Also, I must give credit to my brother and sister (child of storms), who helped come up with a crowd of villains --original or not-- for this fic. thanks guys! (And thanks to Asterisk78, for her beta work also... yes, yes, I know, it's in the present tense. I still think it's funny you didn't notice until the end of the chapter...)


	2. Chocolatey Chortles

**Death Threat Diner- Delicious Delicasies for the Demented and Devious**

**_Day Two: Chocolatey Chortles  
_**

Cobra Commander leans back and cackles in his corner booth.

The Bartender sighs, but otherwise ignores the insane former terrorist. Slade pushes open the door, sits down at his usual spot and glances at the bartender expectantly.

"The usual?" the Bartender asks.

Slade nods.

Orochimaru barges in a moment later, dragging Voldemort by the wrist. "I will defeat you this time, I swear!" he snarls. Voldemort follows, looking as though he wishes to murder this fellow villain but knowing this would just increase the rise of pesky heroes such as Harry Potter.

Slade watches them for a moment, then turns back to the bar as his drink arrives.

The door opens again, and Doctor Octopus walks in, moving to the bar he orders a glass of sprite.

Slade glances at him, rolls his eye and returns to his order.

"Hey Doc," Storm Shadow calls from Cobra Commander's corner booth, glaring as Cobra Commander cackles through the ninja's hand.

Storm Shadow stands and claims his sushi from the bartender, glancing around and finally settling down at a table next to the one occupied by the Green Goblin and Count Dooku.

"And so, that was how I almost killed that pathetic insect," the Green Goblin concluded, cackling along with Cobra Commander for a moment.

Dooku nods. "I understand your feeling of contempt for do-gooders, as do most of us here," he says, glancing in the direction of Darth Vader.

Green Goblin glances at Storm Shadow, then Doc Ock, sniffing derisively. "Yes," he agrees, "most of us."

"What was that?" Storm Shadow demands, standing.

Cobra Commander cackles.

Green Goblin glares at Thomas Arashikage. "You and the good doctor both gave up your villainous ways, for what? Ockie, your device could have made such wonderful destruction! And you," he snorts disdainfully, "Turning your back on the Commander because you weren't brainwashed anymore… pathetic."

Why I oughta'-" Storm Shadow jumps forward, but stops as the Bartender clears his throat dangerously.

Retreating, Storm Shadow takes a bite of sushi, looking as though he wishes it was the Green Goblin's head instead.

"I win!" Orochimaru hisses from the booth next to Cobra Commander, where he releases his queen with a flourish.

"Loser's luck," Voldemort snorts.

"What's going on over here?" Storm Shadow asks, walking over and glancing with detached interest at the chessboard. After a moment, he frowns. "Don't tell me you're calling that checkmate," he says, "white has a big advantage, and black just made the dumbest move in the history of chess."

Orochimaru turns on the Arashikage ninja with a snarl. "Shut up," he hisses.

Voldemort, meanwhile, is studying the board carefully, a sinister grin creeping over his reptilian visage.

The door opens and Grandma Ethel marches in.

"Oh look, it's Grandma Ethel. Try and give me cookies and I'll shove 'em up your nose," Storm Shadow warns, slumping back down into his chair, chomping down on his California roll and glaring at the cackling Cobra Commander. Grandma Ethel grumbles under her breath, moving on to the more receptive Clientele of Death-Threat Diner.

Meanwhile, a frowning Hairless Joe enters the diner. "No dream, no scheme, no service?" he mutters to himself, referring to the sign in the window.

"Oh, a new customer," the Bartender mumbles. "Hello sir, welcome to Death-Threat Diner: Delicious Delicacies for the Demented and Dastardly." he wipes his hand on his apron and frowns at the corner, anticipating the result of his statement. Sure enough, Cobra Commander cackles dementedly from the corner booth.

"What can I get you?" the bartender asks Hairless Joe, aka Frank Lindenauer. The muscular bald man glances up at the little chalkboard on the counter, reading what's on it.

"I'll have the special," Hairless Joe says, not even taking a menu.

"Find a seat, I'll be with ya' shortly," the Bartender says, rushing into the back.

"He runs this place all by himself- the clientele here doesn't do much for employee morale," Storm Shadow explains, standing up and removing his hand from Cobra Commander's mouth, leaving the demented villain to a dastardly giggle attack.

"Mind if I take a seat?" Hairless Joe asks the Arashikage Ninja.

"Be my guest," Storm Shadow replies, hefting his chopsticks and stuffing another sushi roll into his mouth.

Across the room, Thrax glances up from his glass. "forty-eight hours," he mutters to himself. "I'll take that man down in forty-eight hours if it's the last thing I do."

Grandma Ethel glances at the villain, then edges past him and towards the Amazing Mumbo. "Fudge, dearie?" she says, shoving the box at Mumbo.

"Why not?" Mumbo cries, grabbing a piece and popping it in his mouth. He giggles once, then twice, then begins to guffaw uncontrollably.

With a sigh, Slade stands and leaves the diner, dropping his tip next to his half-finished order. Glancing over at the cash, Grandma Ethel snatches it and shoves the money in her apron pocket.

The Bartender, returning with Hairless Joe's Pot Roast and raspberry milkshake, clears his throat, and Grandma Ethel chuckles nervously, returning all but one quarter. Still under the Bartender's cold gaze, she places the last quarter on the bar and scampers away, offering some of her Flabbergasting fig bars to Lord Voldemort and Orochimaru.

After picking herself up off the floor where she'd been blasted nearly flat by a Jutsu and Hex, she scampers off, cowering in the corner booth with Cobra Commander, who cackles maniacally.

* * *

A/N: Well. I haven't updated this in awhile, and I had a chapter pre-written even! Personally, I've always really liked this story...


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